“If I wanted miniatures I would have said so” he snaps and sends me back to the woods as the others go inside but these were the biggest leaves that I found searching with my head in the clouds and my eyes on the ground oh I can only wonder where the others got theirs and I really don’t see what difference it could make my tears turn to hysteria as the clouds turn to rain I hope I die of pneumonia, never to be seen again I want to go home somehow I return, this time she’s standing there screaming “what the hell took you so long, now go to the pool with the others” oh why did I even bother to come back at all? should have just thrown myself down the cliff by the side of the path you don’t have to tell me what a pile of refuse I am because you’ve already told me that a hundred times but I can’t understand why you just can’t make up your minds besides these were the biggest leaves I could find I want to go home or never go anywhere ever again looking back at it all I’m surprised that today I’m still alive looking back at it all I’m surprised that to this day I have survived I honestly thought / kept telling myself that I would be dead by now the bloodsucking voices rip me back to life again I’m always living in the fear of what’s going to go wrong next half the time I can’t even see how I’m at fault but I’ve long lost the nerve for the crime of standing up for myself and it’s all gotten worse since this dreaded camping trip I didn’t even want to come here in the first place why must I always feel my soul being trampled like a leaf ruthlessly stomped on for falling on to the path then it dawns on me I’ve only been here for one day I have no idea how I can survive the rest of the week maybe I should just put myself out of my misery now mark me endangered, please send me to my sanctuary I want to go home I want to go home for those few precious moments I have with myself where I can control my own world I can already taste the flexible reality of the places that mean so much to me so far away...

you’re probably wondering why I brought you to this place well I guess for once I just needed somebody to share this with to start all over again with a brand new friend (ah, but wishing gets you nowhere) and first of all there is something if you could tell me, I need to know just what exactly is it that keeps you alive? what exactly is it that makes living worthwhile for you? could it be friendship? I wouldn’t know, you see I am incapable of having friends for I am incapable of being a friend (viewing the world like a TV show) I always find myself too alienated, never quite knowing just what to say and time after time I’ve proven to be too selfish, thoughtless, too self-absorbed oh ask me a question and my silence is your answer (and the look on your face tells me maybe I should just stay quiet) the closest I’ve ever gotten to friendship is one-sided conversations with anyone talkative enough to fill in the gaps, to not notice my absence besides it seems so phony to me, because forever you are trapped inside your own head you will never truly know anyone else all you will know is what they say to you but how do you know what they are really thinking? how do you know what they say behind your back? awfully paranoid of me I'm sure, but how can you be sure? could it be family? (see the previous category) could it be sex? (not that I’m any authority) but sex is merely another way of wasting time and energy oh to find a nice young woman to spend the rest of my life with too escape with each other, find false securities with each other as we both grow old and ugly and boring together (the temptation of sex was cleverly crafted to trap people into the slavery of parenthood) could it be to dream? ah, dreams just move on as the goal fades away and all that I want seems so out of reach (oh must you keep looking at me like that?) when the first thing on the list of things that I want that I have access to is unconsciousness, I think of this place this would be such a beautiful place to die this would be such a beautiful place to die lying on the ground blood spurting toward the sky far enough of the trail of passers by this would be such a beautiful place to die so could it be art, literature, poetry, creativity, getting closer to the world we see? but the closer I get to reality, the more depressed I get the more I discover about this world the less I want to have any part of it so could it be entertainment? escapism’s just another way of wasting time so we can live a little longer without seeing how pointless life is awfully negative of me I’m know but how can you know? could it be luxury? (the capitalist dream) I surround myself with electronic equipment creating songs as a substitution for companionship but it doesn’t really work could it be religion? any God that could have possibly created this world where the most vicious atrocities are committed by the most devoutly "religious" fanatics (of all persuasions) in the name of their "god", lost me somewhere could it be experience? do the good ones outweigh the bad ones? I really don’t know I have a hard time experiencing (adventure give me a rash) so please tell me, where have I gone wrong, what have I missed? and tell me, would you rather have these as the last sights that you see than where you work or live, or any place you have to be? and also, somehow I’d rather have a death of my own choice than have it happen beyond my control unexpectedly you know (oh much you keep looking at me that way?) this would be such a beautiful place to die this would be such a beautiful place to die lying on the ground blood spurting toward the sky fading sounds of the inlet nearby/gentle sounds of the lapping streams near by this would be such a beautiful place to die oh I hope it will be a nice sunny day but if it must rain, let it rain it shall add to the atmosphere will I become mysterious or will I die into obscurity? I wonder who will be at my funeral will they realize they shouldn’t be unhappy? I wonder who will discover my remains? I hope they appreciate the excitement... ----- what, you mean to tell me you’re the only one who hasn’t seen the dead body I found in the woods last week? where have you been? it’s become a regular tourist attraction (without bothering to notify the authorities or next of kin) so if you could stop drooling in anticipation for a few seconds, I’ll take you there here it is, feast your eyes kick off the flies and get a better look and as you absorb this gruesome scene there’s something I’d like to demonstrate what is the difference between this, and let’s say, that rock over there in the present tense they are the same; inanimate lumps of matter regardless of whatever may have transpired in the past and in the end this is all that you will ever amount to no matter what you do beforehand this will be your fate for you and I are but egg shells and any minute now a safe will fall from the sky and splatter your yolk all over the place it’s just something you’ll have to learn to live with so make the most of every minute make the most out of your life life is fragile and unpredictable so live your life to the fullest for you and I are but eggshells and any second now a safe with your name on it will fall from the sky and splatter your yolk all over the place it’s just something you’ll have to learn to live with