I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold on any longer I’ve been postponing this for far too long this may sound a little far-fetched, please bear with me, I wish I could express myself better than this, but I am not human I am missing something the rest of you have and it’s making it impossible for me to survive in this world anymore and although I’ve tried so hard, dissected myself for analysis time after time, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is only discovered so many other problems it has caused how I wish I could have been a better friend so many names I should mention here I was never capable of describing how I feel interaction an unobtainable concept there was always something keeping me away undefinable barrier keeping me at bay so please keep in mind no one should be upset over losing an empty box no one should be upset over losing an empty box with a hole in the bottom I am nothing

Awaken to the fact that you’ve overslept and you’ve missed the waking hour helplessly rearrange, apologize, hurry, panic, but you’re already late \ all I really want is \ to go back a few hours ah, but you can never go back again Awaken to the fact that you’ve overslept and the day has gone to waste hours are rapidly sneaking past procrastinate, staring into walls discouraged with doing anything disgusted with doing nothing artistic accomplishments seem out of reach \ all I really want right now \ is to hear a human voice \ but I’m having a hard time finding any \ I’m willing to let in \ and I’m not sure what I want to say \ all I want to do is \ run as far from here as I can but where will you be running to? Awaken to the fact that you’ve overslept and your life has passed you by remember youth? isolation and emptiness \ was always so out of place to the point \ where it became a part of my identity so where has everyone gone to? and what has become of your life? and what are you going to do with your life? \ all I want to do is cry \ I never wanted to live this long \ all I want is a kind woman \ to talk to me and to hold me \ all I want is a teddy bear \ I’m tired of embracing the air \ and I’m tired of talking to myself so where are you going to find her?

the sky was hot, the land was dry when I first caught a glimpse of you poking your head out from the clouds dressed in black with white trim you crashed in on me with the grace of an uninvited guest realizing they've interrupted a stranger in the shower the hunger in your eyes, I maybe would have fled, but you sunk your claws into me like a bird of prey and lifted me up into the skies above you sunk your claws into me like a bird of prey and lifted me up into the sky a tickle of a feather and I'm crashing back down when I awoke, alone, I felt so empty, so dead I fell apart until I figured out I was being ridiculous and so I pulled myself out of my pit of despair and went to the place where I hoped you'd be lying in wait we can dance and twirl for a while, then I'll drop you home, babe don't be alarmed by the bones and skulls that decorate the mantel piece

I don’t want to be known as the one who led you on and broke your heart Please believe me my love, way deep down I really don’t want us to part And I do know just how much you risked in order to be here with me Having pined for you for so long, I never would have thought I’d ever set you free But you know that where this is taking me is something I had no way to know And although I love you and I’ve tried so hard it’s a place I just can’t go You deserve to be with someone who is able to give you what you need She is out there somewhere, honey-bunny, but much to my dismay she isn’t me For so long from the bottom of my heart I have believed (bottom of my heart) That I would be the one for you, and you would be the one for me (you would be the one) But I can’t be the insect that you need me to be I can’t be the insect that you need me to be (I just can’t play the role you need this fetish is too much for me)

Mommy’s angry, grabs me by the hand (Mommy’s angry, drags me half a block) you’ve got to learn to kick the bullies back you’re much too old to be crying like this (not supposed to be crying like this) but he’s long gone by now, and why can’t you see in more desperate times I would surely have been long dead by now (more barbaric times would surely have killed me by now) any real struggle would surely have killed me by now

All the lights went out. It went dark for years. We had nothing left but an old echo of old, so we went north to the mountain’s foot and sang the last song, sang the last song. We’ve burned the last of the Albertan gas. Our bars of gold, our cans of fruit, our hand-start crank, our short-wave hopes sang the last song, sang the last song. So turn the gear till the light goes white Your energy will move the world. You’ll hear a voice. Someone else’s north sang the last song, sang the last song. Metallophones and fingertips, some old bassoon, some foreign tongue, a square of blue, a sphere of breath sang the last song, sang the last song.

a sort of far-sighted perception can never read the situation clearly enough until I’m far enough away from the moment that it’s just too late no signs of malice or rancour but maybe a reckless thoughtlessness prevailed I have no way of knowing what has just happened but I thought I caught a vague whiff of betrayal kaleidoscopic tunnel vision drowning in a situation I can’t grasp the anguish of knowing the worst news might be easier than this uncertainty sinking into vague feelings of guilt as conscience tries to fill gaping holes in the data I have no way of knowing what has just happened but I’m starting to fear I may have become Judas and I don’t understand how I could push someone off a cliff knowing full well that their soul is attached to my heart and I have no idea why I would throw a friend off a cliff knowing full well that their veins are entwined around my neck

First off all I wasn’t aware that anyone had seen me around the corner in the back lying on the floor so I’d like to make it clear I hadn’t knocked myself unconscious but with the layout with the sink and bin in the way I had to ram my head into the metal first aid box on the wall at such an awkward angle that it really hurt my back. I admit the illegal blade on the metal table beckoned to me on the way back there but somehow seemed too obvious and of course the reason I headed back there in the first place was to wash my hands off to fix the order myself because people’s endless demands are always completely impossible to be communicated to others and there’s never time to draw a fucking diagram and because everything revolves around me because everything depends upon me and I really really really really really really wish it would stop. Back in the front and found out that someone had actually made an effort to get it done, a clever way to mock me, as the weight continued storming down on me because machines could never be designed for people’s endless demands and I tried to ignore it when once again my hands started going numb on me for no apparent reason but when the walls started shaking with hysterical laughter, well this was something new, so it was a bit disturbing but still I knew I had to pull it all together somehow because everything revolves around me because everything depends upon me still the nagging feelings of pointlessness and worthlessness will not shut up, but now I see the perfect solution I somehow missed, around in the back, up in the narrow square space with the short ladder leading to the opening to the roof where there wouldn't be quite enough room to cut a body down and so it doesn’t matter that predictably they now talk like I can’t hear them when they say that everything is all my fault, and yes of course they’re right, it must be because everything revolves around me because everything depends upon me and I really really really really really really wish it would stop.

I don’t understand this feeling this sure is something different I don’t know what’s wrong with me for once in my life I feel happy this birth of a hope perhaps that suddenly came along at last for once I’m in joy’s grasp right now I just want this feeling to last things are starting to go my way for as long as possible I want this to stay but in the back of my mind I know this feeling will end for dazed depression is again around the bend but I want to enjoy this feeling here until the time it disappears and although I know this hope will end I’ll forget until the disillusion accompanying this is an affection I suddenly feel for everyone but sitting here alone myself adds a slight feeling of emptiness but it doesn’t make me at all unhappy this solitude is surely temporary and with some luck I’ll get to spend time with friends before I lose all my faith in humanity once again

an overdose of rum and sleep deprivation the room won't stop spinning feel cold and pale as the snow outside and so distant from all these people can’t even make out the details of the disappearing picture of myself can’t shake this urge to go away this desperation won’t go away this anxiety won’t go away or explain itself these people are so nice to me I’m not sure why they bother suggests I should lie down for a while the seclusion of sleep perhaps a solitary room but echoes of the party creep in at eerie angles and this piercing chill won’t go away this dizziness won’t go away this anxiety won’t go away or clarify can’t shake this urge to go away occasional passers-by inspire intangible hope she sits down by the door and watches shadows from the candle dancing on the wooden floor and the walls and ceiling, pale as the snow outside this bitter cold won’t go away this dizziness will not desist this anxiety won’t go away can’t shake this urge to go away concerned people seem to care I don’t understand why they bother

it took too long to realize I’ve been adrift all these years floating aimlessly to wherever the current takes me I used to feel I don’t deserve the things I don’t like about my life now wonder if I haven’t earned the things I do like about my life the currents have been kind to me so far but now it seems I’m in the middle of nowhere don’t see any land in any direction, don’t know which way to go now I'm not sure what to make of this absence of ambition do I continue to let the currents decide or do I blindly choose a path to swim? I don’t want much from life but then I don’t have much to live for do I have the right to have no desire to make an effort to swim to shore before I lose my buoyancy? took way too long to figure out I’m not the center of the universe it took even longer to realize I am a part of this world

finally made a decision, chose my fate for once in my life, I did not hesitate shouldn’t be surprising that the sky is falling reaching for shadows above too rapidly approaching so who’s going to break the news to you? how will they break the news to you? found no way to fill the blaring, grating silence diving out from me into a cold resonance lost for direction in a world spinning out of control too often cut my life on fragments of my soul make no mistake, it’s far too late one final brake, everything shall break make no mistake, it’s just too late hard sky above will be my brake but now I’ve glimpsed something I’ve missed you’re an innocent bystander caught in this you had no way to know I did my best to never let it show but make no mistake, it’s just too late one final brake, everything shall break make no mistake, it’s far too late the concrete clouds above await